The Best Viking Funerals of Minnesota

“Did you read his wishes though?”

            “I did Billy.”

            “You don’t think this is going to be a little too much?”

            “Death is the most serious thing we do, if a man wishes something upon it, it is our duty to provide. You know that.”

            “I know pops, it just seems a little unusual.”

            “Billy, we light dead bodies on fire in a canoe for a living and get family members drunk while they watch. Everything we do is unusual.”

           

 

Son 1

 

            Graham opened up the mail as the sweat dried on his forehead. He never really understood the purpose of mail, because he lived in a time where the most important communications happened electronically, whereas paper mail was 95% bullshit, the other 5% being something critical to respond to before a drop in your credit score happens.

            He paused upon holding the letter post marked: The Best Viking Funerals.

            “What the fuck?” he said aloud and chuckled.

            Then he opened it and read the contents.

            “What the fuck?!” he said aloud again.

 

Son 2

 

            Gene hated Mondays. Now he hated them even more.

            He stood stalwart and angry, facing his anterooms mirror.

            This lasted for a long time, grasping the letter.

 

Son 3

 

            Geoff approached his wife holding the piece of paper he had been white knuckling for the last 5 minutes. He expected her to tell him not to go.

            Geoff should not have had expectations.

 

Son 4

 

            Guy was happy, here he was, wondering the expectations of a mediocre 30 something year old in today’s America and the answer to all his existentialist problems came in the form of a lettered distraction.

 

 

Son 5

 

            Georgie didn’t know what to do.

            He was stunned.

            It was as though he finally understood mortality.

            “If he can die, I can die.” He said as he let the letter drop to the floor.

 

Son 6

 

            Gabe had just gotten back from patrol, he wanted a shower and to jerk off to the photos his girl had just texted him. Instead he got marched into his CO’s tent.

            Probably some bullshit. Was all he could think.

            After talking with Captain Jorgen, it was confirmed to be some bullshit. But hey, at least he would get to go home for a bit.

 

 

3 days before the funeral

 

 

            Jorg stood patiently at the airport’s baggage claim holding the sign stating: Thor’s Party.

            A few people chuckled as they passed the somber looking man, immediately ceasing their chuckles as they observed the tone of the man holding it.

            “Hey man, is this for my Dad’s funeral?”

            “That depends on your name son.”

            “Gabe. That’s my name.”

            “Then it is indeed.”

            “Well it’s me, where do we go?”

            “I’ll wait for you to get your bags and escort you to the car outside.”

            “This is it.” Gabe said motioning to the backpack on his shoulders.

            “Of course, I should have known you would be travelling light.”

            Gabe felt relaxed for some reason, whoever this man was, he knew how to talk to people, his gestures and tone were comforting, like you wanted him to be a kind uncle.

            “What’s your name Sir?”

            “It’s Jorg Jorgenson, call me Jorg please.”

            “Ok Jorg, let’s go see my brothers.” Gabe said with a kind handshake and followed Jorg out to the car.

            “By the way Gabe, your brother Gene is in the car, he landed a little before you.”

            Gabe didn’t pause walking, but he paused mentally, unnoticeably but paused just the same.

            He had 5 brothers he had never met or heard of before, and he was about to meet one of them, this would give anyone pause.

            “What’s he like?”

            “Well, he looks like you, at least in the eyes. But I honestly cannot tell you, he was very conserved upon our meeting.”

            “Thanks Jorg.”

            “Hey man, I’m Gabe.”

            “Gene.” He said curtly and offered his hand.

            He did know why he said it curtly, maybe the absurdity of it all just didn’t sink in all the way. Who finds out about 6 siblings he never knew and the death of his estranged father at the same time?

            “Any booze in here Jorg?” Gabe was unphased. Just threw his bag in the trunk and entered the town car.

            “Yes sir, help yourself, it’s complimentary.”

            Gabe took a tumbler and poured a healthy helping of what he assumed was Bourbon into it.

            “God damn that’s good.” He said smacking his lips.

            “Let’s go brother, time to get lit and burry a stranger.”

            Gene awoke from his stupor and got into the town car too.

            “That’s good stuff Jorg. Is the whole weekend going to be this good?”

            “We aim to please sir.”

            “Well God Damn you’re pleasing.”

            “Want a drink big brother?”

            “It’s strange hearing you say that.”

            “Is it? Maybe it’s strange saying it. Wanted to try it on for size, but look, I’m gonna get lit, so tell my other brothers and one sister what I was like before then.”

            “Gabe right?”

            “Gene right?” and Gabe laughed devilishly and took another snort.

            “This isn’t strange to you?”

            “I mean, 48 hours ago I watched a man fuck a goat through binos on an OP, my definition of strange may be different than yours.”

            “Are you military then?”

            “Bingo.”

            Gene paused a second.

            “Still though, did you even meet Thor?”

            “Three times. Love the bastard.”

            “Made that much of an impression?”

            “Hell no, but I get 5 days of leave on the taxpayer’s dime.”

            “Well, it’s strange to me.”

            “Then let’s get drunk on old Thor’s dime. Ain’t that right Jorg?”

            Jorg smiled.

            “Maybe you’ve got the right of it little brother.”

            For the first time, they both smiled. Gabe poured Gene a glass which they toasted and drained and filled again, The ride was happy after that, mainly two young men sharing stories, only the good ones, of how they grew up, how similar they were, how different they were, how happy they were with women and adventure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Brothers Meet, all 6

 

            “This is wild right? I mean, have you ever heard of this shit? Who the fuck has 7 kids with 7 different women and regrets to mention a single one of the mother fuckers to another?” Georgie said, he was the smallest and this made him feel imposed to talk the most.

            “I don’t know, I mean I was with Thor until I was 8. He seemed like a normal dad, then just disappeared. Only saw him every couple of years after that. Mom just told me he was a diplomat. It made sense with all the languages he spoke.” Graham replied.

            “You had him that long? I think I’ve seen him twice.” Guy said taking a deep drag on his cigarette.

            “I saw him once, and he seemed like a prick then.” Georgie responded.

            Guy rolled his eyes visibly.

            “You seem like a pussy Georgie.” Guy said ashing his butt.

            “Fuck you man.”

            “Ok.” Guy said laughing.

            “Guys, take it easy.” Graham said concerned.

            “Look dude,” Guy started. “We all had it different, but we all have the unique claim to being Thor’s sons. I mean how many of your friends can say their Dad is cool enough to throw a Viking funeral?”

            “What exactly does that mean anyway?” Graham posed, glad for a chance to change the subject.

            “It means our dad was fucking cool.” Guy said laughing and taking a drink.

            “Yeah, haha, I guess so.” Georgie said glad to get out from under being the lame duck.

            “Cheers boys, you only get to burry your Dad once.” Guy said raising his glass.

            “Burn him once.” Graham said clinking.

            “Burn the bastard!” Guy said slamming his glass into Georgie’s and laughing outrageously.

            “You boys getting lit too?” Gabe said entering the lodge’s foyer.

            “Hell yeah, brother.”

            Gabe grabbed two glasses and poured for himself and Gene, throwing his bag to the side.

            “Well let’s cheers mother fuckers to the ultimate mother fucker.” They all laughed at Gabe’s jest, he had that skill.

            The five brothers, who had never met, and never known existed, were happy in that moment.

            “Man, it’s like looking in a mirror.” Graham said reflecting.

            “Yeah, in a fun house.” Guy said laughing.

            “Where’s the other two?” Gabe asked.

            “Well, Geoff is outside. Don’t know where Gwin is.”

            “Gwin comes in on the Red Eye tonight young masters.” Jorg said.

            The brothers turned at the same time to the old man in the somber suit.

            “Please, enjoy each other’s company and welcome to the Great Lodge Valhalla. Everything is taken care of, if you have want, please ask my son Billy and he will provide. Your rooms are ready and the evening meal will be served in an hour or so.”

            Thank yous were expressed in 5 different accents, but all politely.

            “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be back at the airport waiting the last’s arrival, call Billy if you are in need of anything.”

            “What about women?” Gabe asked smiling incredulously.

            “Ask Billy.”

            The brothers laughed and Jorg excused himself smiling.

            “Well where the fuck is Geoff?” Guy said.

            “Happily married it seems.” Graham responded looking out the window and seeing his brother on the phone.

            “Bullshit. That fucker needs to be in here. This is once in a fucking lifetime.” Gabe offered.

            “Well, let’s get him.” Guy offered.

            A devilish grin took over the two, thought hey had never seen it on another, they knew the grin for themselves. They both got up and began banging on the window calling at their other brother they had never seen before.

            Geoff jumped at the sound of pounding glass.

            “Sorry babe, my.. brothers are trying to get my attention.”

            “Baby, please go see them, you need this.”

            “I know, I just miss you.”

            “I miss you too baby, just go see them and have fun.”

            “Ok, I’ll text you later.”

            Geoff hung up the phone and waved at his brothers through the window, they all cheered magnanimously. Geoff smiled hesitantly and went inside.

            “Geoff! I’m Gabe, that’s Gene, and you know the rest right?”

            “Yeah man, nice to meet you, thank you.”

            “For what?” Gabe said laughing.

            “For your service, you’re the one coming from deployment right?”

            “HAHAHA, yeah, thanks for your taxes brother.”

            Geoff blushed, “I’m sorry, I thought that’s just what you said.

            “Yeah man, you’re right. Just never got used to it. Feel like a fucking fraud most of the time when people say it.” Gabe said all smiles.

            “Who makes the most money?” Guy said, wanting the attention again.

            “What the fuck?” Georgie said.

            “Well obviously not you.” Guy said laughing.

            “I mean, just a weird question.” Georgie said defensive.

            “I think Thor did.” Graham said.

            “Yeah, I mean how much do you think this cost? I didn’t pay for a flight or even a taxi to the airport.” Gene said.
            “I guess pops had big dick energy.” Guy said.

            “He definitely had something, my mom always spoke highly of him.” Gene responded.

            They all agreed in their own way.

           

 

 

 

The sister arrives…

 

            “Are you the guy that’s going to take me to Thors funeral?”

            “Yes ma’am, call me Jorg.”

            “Ok Jorg, where are my brothers?”

            “All at the Lodge Ms Gwin.”

            “Take me to them please Jorg, my father has told me much about them.”

 

  

 

 

Far into their cups

 

 

            “What the fuck.”

            “You can say that again.”

            “Are we supposed to say I love you?”

            “I don’t know, how queer are you feeling?”

            “Jesus.”

            “Don’t blaspheme in the house of Thor!”

            “Technically it’s the house of Oden.”

            “Why don’t you technically suck my dick.”

            “Fuck you.”

            They all laughed.

            “What do you think our 7th brother is like?”

            “Hopefully not another one of you assholes.”

            They all laughed again.

            “Maybe it’s not a brother.” Gwin said.

            “What the fuck?”

            “Did Thor not tell you?”

            “I guess not.” Gabe said for the group.

            “Seventh son would have been too mythical, just a daughter and your sister you derelicts.”

            “At least she has our sense of humor.” Guy said, and they all laughed.

            “Well let us introduce ourselves dear sister.”

            “No need Graham, Thor showed me all your photos.”

            “What the fuck.” Georgie said.

            “Pour me a drink Georgie.”

            “Jesus.”

            “Don’t blaspheme!” Gabe and Guy yelled laughing.

            “Ok, ok.” Georgie said reaching for a glass and pouring.

            “Cheers to our unknown Valkyrie!” Gabe shouted.

            They all toasted and drank, and Jorg smiled and silently retreated.

            “What it feels like to have a sister. Here I was thinking I was lucky to have these fucks, my God the whole thing is magnificent. Pops sure was a magician, holding the cards til the end. Are we the suckers? Or just the lucky?” Guy said, they all laughed except Geoff who was very much in his Bourbon.

            “My brothers, how my heart screams, I have waited long for this moment. Father has told me of you, and I have long wanted our acquiesce. Yearned for the blood I never knew. Please allow me into your hearts, I want this more than anything.”

            They all paused, she spoke like no one they had ever known, like in an old movie.

            Gabe spoke up after a time.

            “Did you know Thor well then?”

            “Yes, I was with him for the last 6 years.”

 

 

 

They begin to know Thor

 

            “What made you so lucky?” Georgie said. Not in a smart ass voice, per his usual, more like in a genuine question. Georgie desired knowledge of the father he barely knew.

            “I don’t know, I know he loved all of us. He just didn’t know how to do it.” Gwin responded. She didn’t know them personally, but she knew her father, and knew what he thought of them. She was here to guide them to death.

            “How did he choose you? Why? I only met him a few times and I loved him in those. Not trying to bitch or anything.” Gabe said.

            They were all sobering up at this.

            “Gabriel, he loved you. He saw you as a warrior. But father was complicated. He wasn’t meant for our time maybe, or our time wasn’t meant for him. Because, truly, he was the most sane man I have ever met.” She responded.

            They all paused for a long time. It sunk in, differently for each of them, regardless it sunk. This was their father, they all had thought of him, dreamed, spoke in a different way. But the one thing that united the brothers was the mystery of him. 24-72 hours was the most any of then had had with this Demi God they knew was responsible for their creation.

            “He talked about us then?” Graham asked, breaking the sacrosanct silence that overtook all of the brothers.

            “Yes, in his way.” Gwin said.

            “What did he say?” Gabe asked, genuinely.

            “Many things, but it matters not. He was our father. His thoughts are gone, you are here, we are here. This is for us, not him. Tonight, let us be merry and remember what we will, talk of him, talk of you, he wanted us to be here.”

            They all paused again.

            Geoff laughed, laughed again. Swigged his drink and poured another, then left.

            “Geoff?!” Guy said.

            No one chased him though, and Gwin merely followed him with her eyes smiling.

            “How did he die?” Gabe asked after.

            “The way all old men do, he just did.” Gwin responded.

            “Our dad, what the hell. Who the fuck does this?” Georgie said drowning his drink.

            “Our Dad does.” Guy said laughing. A few joined.

            “Seriously, he goes across the nation and births bastards, all apologies sister, and leaves us. Then dies and brings us together. What the fuck?” Georgie said.

            “Maybe he didn’t want us to want him, maybe he knew fathers were overrated.” Gabe said.

            “Maybe fuck you.” Georgie responded.

            “Maybe you aren’t happy, how is that associated with us. Is your father supposed to provide you happiness? Are your siblings? Who’s your tribe? Fuck you and your sense of entitlement. If you’re not happy with your life, its not Thor’s fault, or Gwins. You fucked up, not us bro. Our Dad is dead, we are not, and we have the chance to find something new, in this fleeting life, that seems pretty good. So go fuck yourself.” Gabe responded smiling.

            “Fuck if I know, just surprised I have a sister.” Guy wanted to diffuse everything. He always wanted to laugh.

            Georgie sipped long on his cup and looked down not making eye contact at anyone.

            Gwin did not stop staring at Georgie, “Thor talked about all of you, and towards the end, he was obsessed with the old ways. He wanted to believe we would all meet him some day, he wanted us all to be in Valhalla. He called me his Valkyrie often. Most importantly he was ashamed he wasn’t ‘there’ for all of you. This was his last wish, a form of penance.”

            “Yeah, that sound good, but what the fuck Gwin, am I supposed to know a man who talked to me twice in his life? The only reason I came was because travel was paid for.” Graham said, not violently, because his way in front of others was to be calm.

            In this moment, all the brothers thought their own thoughts. They thought of childhoods without a father. They all dreamed of childhoods with a father. Most thought it would have been nicer to have the father, less distraught would have happened in their imaginations.

            “Did Hitler have a father? Did Jesus? You are asking the wrong questions. Your father depended on you to make right choices without his influence.”

            “I don’t know Gwin, would have been a lot easier without being called a bastard.” Guy talked first to break the revery.

            “I have to agree with the asshole on that one.” Gene added.

            “Maybe you are right, Dad could have stayed with you, but then the rest of us would not have been. Dad wanted to live, he loved life as it was. He knew it was temporal, he knew it would go away. Dad loved, he loved all of our mothers. He wanted life more than anything, which is why we are alive. He just didn’t want life the way it was presented.”

            “Qualify that Gwin.” Gabe said after a silence. He knew where she was going, and he wanted his new brothers to follow.

            “Dad always said, what starts begins and ends, he knew the time snake was real. He knew we would all end. To know that is to know and accept life, what does it matter if you have a father. What matters is you had a father.”

            They all stayed quiet. They all knew their thoughts, because they were one then.

 

 

 

 

Two days to the funeral, the siblings do mushrooms

 

            Jorg got in front of the siblings after breakfast and spoke.

            “You all know, or may not have, the Vikings utilized psychedelics in their pre-battle and ceremonial rituals. Thor wished you all to share an experience together. It is not required to attend the funeral, but if you wish, we will all go to the spirit lodge and begin a journey.

            The brothers went, Geoff hesitantly, but they all went.

            Their sister had no such hesitations.

           

 

            Brother 1

            Graham stared at the Bull Moose head that was mounted on the wall for most of it, trying to figure out if it was moving or he was. He heard his brothers in the periphery, and sister, wild to have a sister after meeting so many brothers. He thought of his mother, where was she, she chose Thor, Graham had no choice in it, he was just born.

            She would hold him when Thor would work in the yard, or juggle, why did his father juggle? His father could have played cards, or golfed, or done anything, but all Graham remembers is him building a fence and juggling.

            Why did he need a father, the world was his father, the breath his mother.

 

            Brother 2

            Gene stared at his brothers and one sister, so happy.

            He had always wanted to be apart of a gang, he had wanted to join the Houston Police, but they said his vision was too bad. He tried college, but the professors didn’t make sense. The military didn’t want visible tattoos at the time.

            But now he had 5 men and 1 women that couldn’t reject him.

            They were his.

            He was theirs.

            Like life is supposed to be. A group of individuals raging against the random, telling death to remember.

           

            Brother 3

            Geoff saw his sons, he didn’t know he was going to have 3, but now he knew. They looked like their mother, that made him happy.

 

            Brother 4

            Guy knew he was on mushrooms, he had done them before, he wanted to know what his brothers and sister were seeing. Should he be here, was he really Thor’s son? He didn’t know his mother well enough to call and ask. His whole life is based off a letter, that’s fucked. One picture, that’s what he is working off of, he hadn’t seen his mother since he was 13. Fucking bitch. Why is he here, what did he do to deserve this bullshit. 6 other people’s problems are not his, 7 if you include Thor, 8 if you include his mother, 9 if you include Jorg. I’m out tomorrow, I can get a flight, don’t need this funeral, or these people. Is that moose moving? Fuck me the lake looks nice, who swims in lakes? Never had one growing up, should have jumped in it by now, need to know what lake water looks like, let’s walk out of here, need to swim, looks so good, why is our water in bottles, its here, here is where we are supposed to drink. Fuck Dasani, I love Minnesota.

           

            Brother 5

            Georgie saw the snake that ate the world, that kept the world in, that ended the world. All Georgie knew was life ate death and death birthed life.

 

            Brother 6

            Gabe couldn’t die, Gabe was invincible, Gabe was.

 

            Sister 1

            Gwin saw the circle, knew how it was traced, saw the end, because it was all around them, saw the beginning, because it was all around them. Man did Gabe look like dad, how will her sons turn out, does her husband still love her, does it matter, she had sons. Her husband was beautiful and said Gwin was beautiful, they knew the world, and it was their sons. To pass on what was passed, that was the goal.

 

 

 

 

 

 Day before the funeral, friends show up

 

            The men and woman slept after the second day. Jorg knew they would sleep heavy, they had gotten very drunk and very high which was won’t to do.

            He and his sons woke them at a decent hour and brought them down to breakfast. It was here Jorg addressed them.

            “Children, your father was a great man. Three are here to tell his tale and three will remain to see he is sent to the All Father properly. After they have talked, you will have the next two days to make a memorial and to pick gifts to which he will sail with to the afterlife.”

            Jorg said this with such solemnity that even Guy had nothing to respond with.

 

 

The first man speaks

 

            “I am Adam, I knew your father while we served. He was just like us, smart enough to not die, tough enough to live, cared enough to save a few along the way.

            Thor didn’t talk much of where he was from, usually you assume the worst for that. I knew him then and he helped me two times after. All I can relate to you is good, I know that’s unfair, because I had a father too. But he was a good man from my reckoning, he looked after me and a few others, in situations that were mortally decliment let’s say. Always volunteered for shit jobs when it counted kind of guy, avoided hard work when it didn’t matter. I loved him, and it warms me to see y’all here.”

 

The second man speaks

 

            “I am Ricky, worked with your father for 20 years. We belonged to something that was special. He struggled for sure, he did you all wrong, maybe, but by his own reckoning, and his upbringing, he did okay.

            “Thor did not want normal, he stayed away from Starbucks, he wanted greasy burgers from unwashed hands. Probably wanted all that for you.

            “Yes, he was not traditionally a dad, but I know he knew all your names, knew your birthdays, knew what kind of people you were and could be, he wanted you to be free, he strongly believed in the human spirit and it’s ability to choose.

            “Take him for what he was to you but know he was Thor to Thor and Thor to others, and whatever your father was, he tried to be good.”

 

The third man speaks

 

            “I’m Michael, your uncle. I don’t think you knew me, Thor barely did, we were separated early and did not find each other until much later into life.

            “Our father gambled, our mother drank, neither lasted long. We had no relatives, the state took us. Thor was 4, maybe 5.

            “I never looked back, thought that was just life, got adopted and went with it.

            “Thor found me 10 years ago.

            “He was curious, your father, wanted to find clues to his existence, he loved me even though I left him. That was your father.”   

The Day of the Funeral

 

            “Do you feel any different?” Gabe asked.

            “You mean after meeting 6 siblings I didn’t know about, an Uncle who looks like Randy Savage, or watching my estranged Father’s corpse burn in a wooden canoe on a lake in Minnesota. Maybe, maybe I feel a little different.” Gene said.

            “You boys, you men, and daughter, you should feel something has been completed, but something left undone. That was the way of our ancestors. A circle starts, a circle ends, but a circle stays to start again, it all depends on the eyes and when they see it.” Jorg spoke.

            All the siblings were gathered, and Thor’s body was wreathed in fruit and cooked meat on a plush bed of the deck of a small boat.

            The three friend’s of Thor were their as well, and Jorg’s sons stood to be archers with arrows tipped with pitch.

            “Now, the spawn of the man shall push him towards Asgard, in the hopes that he will be chosen for Valhalla.”

            The brothers and one sister moved towards the boats hull, moving into the water, all except one.

            “Georgie, let’s go.” Gabe said.

            “If I get in that water, he’s dead, we admit that.”

            “Bro, he’s been dead, the coroner admitted that.” Guy retorted.

            “Why do I owe anything to him, what did he do, fuck a mom I don’t care about, they both thrust me into something I never agreed to, this is fucked, and who the fuck are any of you, I don’t owe you shit, your just thoughts, someone thought we were connected, but I don’t know shit about any of you, I don’t owe a god damn thing to this man. Life starts, Life ends, we have no control of it, if my Father dies, I die, its so fucked.”

            “Little brother,” Gwin said, moving towards Georgie, approaching him like a stray foal, “Love is the reason, its intangible, we were born in it and with it and we have it in us, you need this like we do, we need you, if you stand apart, the love is tainted.”

            “Fuck love, that man gave me nothing.”

            “He gave you us, and we are, what else is there, you can get high or drunk or run away but you cannot escape the imprint we have on each other. That imprint is the only thing that makes mortality livable, it makes us real. Because we leave memories, and those are that live beyond us.”

            Georgie was crying, Guy was crying. They all cried.

            “Grab the boat little brother, and give the man something that gave us this.”

            So they all did wade into the water of that lake in Minnesota and they all pushed and cried and watched as Jorg’s sons shot flaming arrows into it.

            They watched for a long time, then they walked back in their half wetness and cried and drank and lived and talked of a father they had and did not. They lived.

Previous
Previous

Big Bob’s Little Tours of Nevada (Rough Draft, more to come)

Next
Next

Heartbreak Hotel of Birmingham