Heartbreak Hotel of Birmingham
Heartbreak Hotel of Birmingham
A girl at a bar awaits
“How stupid was that speaker today?”
“I swear this whole thing has always been a boondoggle, but why did they choose Birmingham this year? The beach was so nice last time.”
“Maybe someone is an Alabama fan.”
“Or a Georgia fan.”
“They are gonna get crushed.”
The Hotel Bar and Lounge of the Holiday Inn Downtown Birmingham Conference center was full with the buzz of lack luster conversation from clusters of men and women in different stages of business casual.
The Scene narrows to a woman, she’s tall, like Division 1 Volleyball tall. She drinks slow, looks sad, looks beautiful. Scott Sanders enters, he sees the beauty and the length and nearly breaks his neck to crane in her direction.
“Thought you were married Scottie.”
“Thought you should fuck off man.”
“She does have some legs, Jesus though, don’t break your neck, we are at a workman’s comp convention and I don’t think you can claim houndogging drunk on the job.”
The other two men in the cluster laughed along with Dave. Scott merely smiled and took a sip of his drink.
He shouldn’t, Shannon was a good woman, she did not deserve an asshole like her Dad. Scott couldn’t do it. Scott wouldn’t do it again.
Still, the girl stayed at that same position, with that same look, and try as Scott might, she didn’t leave and he got more drunk, and she looked better every second, and his reasons for betraying Shannon lessoned with every drink.
Hours later..
“You ever heard the joke about the woman who sat at a bar for 3 hours and sipped on 2 drinks?”
“No, that’s a new one.”
“Shit, I was hoping you had, because I forgot it.”
She laughed.
Scott smiled.
“You want a third drink?”
“Maybe, do you smoke?”
“Weed?”
“No, cigarettes.”
“No, but I can find you one.”
“Alright, do that and order me a vodka and tonic.”
Scott waved the bartender and placed the order, then went to his friend Allen.
“Yo bro, can I get a couple of smokes?”
“Jesus Scott, every time you get drunk I have to talk you out of starting again.”
“They aren’t for me.”
Allen looked from Scott to the girl at the bar, he held his comments.
“Sure man.”
Scottie talks outside
“Did you ever hope to be something else?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, you are a kid, and you do things for fun, and you are good at those things, then at some point someone plays three card monty with you and you end up being a salesman.”
“No.” She laughs. “I never had that problem. Mine was always more of a, ‘What the fuck am I doing with my life problem’.”
“Same problem, different labeling.”
They both laugh.
“Damn, I could use another cig.”
“Give me a minute, I can go bum some more.”
“No, I need to get back. I have some at my place.”
“Why didn’t your company have you stay here?”
“I think the hotel overbooked.”
“Well shit.”
“Do you want to come with? It’s only an Uber away, left all my smokes at the room like an idiot.”
Scottie paused, not a noticeable pause, more like a moment that happens in the mind for 3 or 4 seconds in real time but transmits for like 3 or 4 minutes in the mind in question. He could say no, he could go up to his room and jerk off and feel no guilt, he could be a good husband, but he could also die on the plane back home tomorrow or the car ride from the airport to his house, and he could miss out on the pleasure of fucking this beautiful, tall girl.
Fuck it, I am going.
“Yeah, sure. Uber?”
They arrive
“I hope you tipped him, never had access to candy, Kleenex, and water bottles in an Uber before.”
“Haha, thought I was the only one that noticed.”
“No, that dude deserves 5 stars.”
“Heartbreak Hotel, what are we in Tennessee?”
“I don’t get it.”
“Elvis, ever heard of him?”
“LOL, of course.”
“Well he wasn’t from Alabama, regardless of that movie with Tom Hanks.”
They both laughed.
“We can smoke in the room btw.”
“No shit, this is old school.”
Jimmy enters
Scott flew off her as he heard the door open.
“What the fuck?”
“What the fuck indeed. You wouldn’t happen to be married Scott Sanders would you?”
He was naked and confused and had a sick feeling trickle through him. The strange man facing him had a gun and a calm, amused look.
“What, did I say something confusing Sam?”
“No baby, you sounded good.”
Scott couldn’t stop staring at the gun.
“How was he baby, did he treat you ok?”
“Yeah, he’s a sweetie.”
Jimmy walked towards Sam and grabbed her cheek. She looked at him lovingly, he never took his eyes off Scott, or his gun.
“That’s good, that’s real good Scott.”
Scott’s penis was shriveled, his stomach sunk, all he could think of was how convenient a time machine would be, how it would all be better if he could travel back to when he was trying to convince himself to not cheat on Shannon.
“Now look Scott, I know you’re confused, but I need you to be calm. We don’t want to kill you, but we will. So take every word I say as calmly as you can. This is a turning point, you can live or you can pay.”
Jimmy paused there, Sam was getting dressed.
“Who the fuck are you?”
“I’m Sam’s husband, and you are fucked.”
Sam laughed.
“You need to understand a few things, we know who you are, we know you’re married. We know you shouldn’t be here. We know we have you on camera fucking a woman who is not your wife. The big question is if you want your wife to know. Because if so, you can forget the 500$ we are going to ask for, you can forget this gun, you can go. Because I don’t want to murder you, real pain in the ass, murder.”
Jimmy paused again.
“But, if you go that route, you may find this little indiscretion of yours posted on every pornography website around. Your boss may get it emailed to him. Your kids may have their friends showing it to them, and you may have a thumb drive emailed to your house on Gooding Ln mailed to you every week until your wife gets it.”
Scott’s heart dropped further, his penis shrank more, Sam was fully dressed and lighting a cigarette calmly ashing it into the hotel room’s complimentary coffee mugs.
“I take your silence as you getting the gravity of the situation. So, what we want, its very simple, we want money, and once that money is received, we will be gone and the sense of fucking up your whole reality will be gone too.”
“How much.”
“Just a measly payment of 599$.”
“I don’t have that cash!”
“No, but you do have this.” Jimmy picked up the cell phone from Scott’s pants and held it.
“You can PayPal us right now, or I can hold this gun to your head while I force you to dial your wife’s number and have you explain why you were found in a hotel room with your dick inside another woman.” Jimmy said holding the cell in one hand and the gun in another.
Outside the hotel
“Do you think those dot heads are gonna say anything?”
“They shouldn’t, they don’t care. They’ve seen worse than us.”
“Why is it always Indians that run shitty hotels?”
“Because we’re in Alabama.”
She laughed.
“Ever wonder if we’ll get caught?”
“No. Men in America don’t know how to be men anymore.”
“What about you baby?”
“What?” He said smiling.
“You know how to be a man?”
“Baby, I’m the last man left on this side of the Mississippi.”
They kissed deeply.
Scott’s last day in Birmingham
“Where did you go last night?”
“Just to get a pack of smokes, I need to quit.”
He didn’t say much else.
He just thought about a time machine, and wondered if there was a video of him on the internet somewhere. He wondered what life would be like without Shannon and the girls. What his Dad would think of him. How he would have to move and get a new job. He thought of how he was an idiot and how he was going to explain 599$ missing if Shannon ever found out. He thought of Sam and her long legs and he empathized with Adam and understood why he ate the apple. He cursed women and his dick and he thought how easy life would be if he didn’t have a dick. He thought a lot of things and he still had a plane ride home to think more.